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The Library Leader's Dilemma

When Kindness Replaces Candor

By LibraryHR

October 17^th, 2025

When I first started leading teams, I believed kindness was the hallmark of great leadership. I was younger, eager, and convinced that if I treated people well, everything else would fall into place. For years, that belief served me. It shaped how I drove for results, built partnerships, and showed up in rooms where trust mattered more than titles.

Over time, I began to notice something I couldn’t ignore: the very kindness that can make a culture feel so warm can also hold us back. I've sat in meetings where colleagues avoid tension by smiling through disagreement. I've read emails that dance around the truth. I've watched well-intentioned supervisors sidestep hard feedback because they “didn’t want to upset anyone.” And I realized that what we often called kindness was really something else. It was avoidance, wrapped in empathy, disguised as harmony.

Kindness as a Shield

Our profession attracts people who care deeply. We are concerned about equity, researched-backed objectivity, lifelong learning, and helping others. That’s our greatest strength. However, when we shield people from discomfort instead of guiding them through it, we rob them of the clarity they need to grow.

A couple years ago, I was consulting with a library system that proudly described itself as a “family.” They meant it as a compliment: staff loyalty was high, turnover was low, and people genuinely liked one another. Yet in confidential interviews, I began hearing something else.

“We’re nice,” one staff member told me, “but nobody’s honest.”

Another said,

“We never know where we stand. I only get feedback when I do something wrong.”

It was a pattern repeated across multiple branches and departments. The culture wasn’t toxic, but it certainlywas timid. Supervisors confused kindness with silence. Problems were quietly absorbed instead of addressed. It reminded me of what researcher Sarah Kennedy later called “avoidance disguised as empathy,” an observation she documented in her 2024 study on feedback culture in library workplaces. Kennedy's findings reflect that feedback in libraries often arrives too late or too soft to make a difference.

We tell ourselves we’re sparing someone’s feelings. What we’re really doing is sparing ourselves the discomfort of being honest.

The Partnership Between Kindness and Candor

I see kindness and candor being bound together like me and my wife (who is also a librarian😁). One without the other is incomplete. When you are candid without kindness, it is often cruel. When you're kind with candor, you comfort without giving clarity.

What we need, especially now, is clarity with care. That is the courage to speak the truth in a way that protects dignity, but not ego.

When I facilitate leadership programs, I sometimes ask participants to think of the best boss they ever had. Almost everyone says the same thing: “They were fair. They were honest. They cared enough to keep it real.” No one ever says, “They were nice but never told me how I was doing.”

That’s because respectful candor builds trust faster than any form of comfort. It tells people, I see you, and I believe you can handle the truth.

A Moment That Changed My Thinking

When I was managing a project at the Red Cross, I had a project team member, Denise (not her real name), who was exceptionally talented but chronically overcommitted. Between the project and her very demanding role in Disaster Cycle Services, she said yes to almost everything. As a fellow overachiever, I admired her energy. Then I started noticing slow creep of missed deadlines, late nights, and quiet frustration from her peers who had to pick up the slack.

I kept telling myself she was just enthusiastic and would figure it out. But the truth was, I didn’t want to have the hard conversation, especially since she was not my direct report. She was a rockstar and a friend. I didn’t want to dim her light.

After weeks of putting it off, I finally sat down with her. I said, “You’re one of the most dedicated people I’ve ever worked with, but I’m worried about you. You’re saying yes to everything, and not only is it starting to hurt you, but it's affecting the team.”

She paused for a moment, then said with her signature smile/smirk, “My boss never notices, but I'm glad someone else does. Yeah, I wouldn't want to be my teammate either if I was constantly having to do someone else's work."

This moment was a stark reminder that honest conversations reinforce trust. Our colleagues and teams don’t need us to protect them from truth. They need us to stand with them in it.

How to Practice Clarity with Care

Giving effective feedback is a discipline that takes practice. Here are a few approaches I use to stay grounded during more challenging conversations.

1. Anchor in shared purpose. When feedback feels personal, remind both of you why it matters.

“Our goal is to make sure every patron has a consistent experience. I want us to get there together.”

Having a mutual purpose reframes the conversation from "you versus me" to "us for the mission."

2. Focus on the behavior, not the person. Dial into the observable facts, not the judgements you're making about the other person.

“The last two reports were missing citations,” communicates facts.

“You’re careless,” communicates judgment.

The difference determines whether someone listens or shuts down.

3. Ask before assuming. Curiosity builds understanding.

“Help me understand what’s getting in the way,” opens dialogue far better than, “Why didn’t this get done?”

4. Close with a path forward. Every feedback conversation should end with an action, not an apology.

“Let’s try this approach for a month and check in.”

Building a Culture That Invites Honesty

Changing individual habits is powerful, but changing culture is transformative. To normalize candor across an organization, we have to make it both expected and safe.

Make feedback a rhythm, not a rescue mission.

Feedback should be continuous, not reserved for performance reviews. When staff hear from you regularly, feedback stops feeling like punishment and starts feeling like partnership.

Model the behavior you want.

When you admit your own mistakes, you create permission for others to do the same. For instance, sending an email that says, "I overestimated the demand for our last author event," does more to strengthen trust than just glazing over the low attendee count during your next town hall.

Redefine kindness.

Kindness isn’t avoiding discomfort. It’s creating clarity so people can succeed. It’s care with a backbone.

In a time where we are dealing with shrinking budgets, political tension, burnout, and public scrutiny, it can be tempting to overcorrect toward harmony. In my experience, however, progress often sounds like disagreement and growth often feels like discomfort. The real test of leadership is how truthfully we speak when things are hard.

Closing Thoughts

I’ve spent much of my career trying to find that balance of kindness and candor. Some days I still get it wrong. I wait too long to speak up or soften my message until it loses its meaning. But I’ve also seen what happens when I lean into clarity with care. Conversations get shorter. Relationships get stronger. Work gets better.

Here's my challenge to you: think of a conversation you’ve been avoiding. You know, the uncomfortable but important one that has living rent free in your head for a while now. Write down what you’d say if you approached it with both kindness and candor and then have it.

You might be surprised by what happens. You may find relief, understanding, or even gratitude on the other side, because most people don’t need us to make them feel better. They need us to help them be clear.

Works Cited

Kennedy, S. P. (2024). An Exploration of Feedback Orientation in Library Workers. Library Management Journal.
Edmondson, A. (2023). The Fearless Organization: Creating Psychological Safety in the Workplace for Learning, Innovation, and Growth. Harvard Business Review Press.
Newman, B. L. (2025). Building Psychological Safety in Academic Libraries. College & Research Libraries News.
Coughlan, S. (2022). “Viewed as Equals: The Impacts of Library Organizational Cultures and Management on Library Staff Morale.” Journal of Library Administration.
Carnegie Mellon University (2024). Delivering Effective Feedback: Clarity and Compassion in Organizational Culture.

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